Given that its something I want to do in the first place, I think I'm at a good point in my life to have a baby. I feel like I've done a lot of living. I've gone to college, traveled to Costa Rica, China, Tibet, and all over Europe, seen many different places in the US. Tried a few jobs to see what its like for people I interact with everyday (working as a grocery bagger, hostess, waitress), run races, surfed both for fun and in competitions, tried many different drugs, skateboarded as my transportation around campus, snowboarded and got air, rock climbed, sky dived, done "canyoning," got a tour of the (locked and guarded) Acropolis at night, been on and won an MTV game show, been a stripper, had my picture on playboy.com, sold my own art work, made web pages for myself and friends, made a life sized statue, made a metal china cabinet frame, jumped off 30ft cliffs, made beautiful oil paintings, edited commercials that I later saw on TV, moved across the country by myself, been to big graphic art conventions, burningman, flipside, etc.

Although new experiences are fun, they don't do a lot for fulfillment, which I am much more driven toward.

The thing I will most miss will be drugs ;) Not for the "drug experience," which is quite wonderful too, but for the way certain of them help with getting both myself and Patri to open up and be accepting about difficult topics and emotions. I will probably not be getting back on the pill for a very long time, if ever after this, so its basically not until menopause that I can enjoy that sort of stuff again ;)

According to a Gottman, a high percentage of marriages that break up do so right around when the first baby is born. He thinks that this is because of the woman changing and the couple losing touch during that time. Its a bit scary to be losing one of our favorite tools right before entering such a state. But what can ya do ;)

What we can do is to be extra vigilant about communication and keeping touch with each others' mental states.

To close, a few notes I wrote from my last drug experience, mescaline (things with emphasis were added later when sober):

Its amazing how much of our being is emotional. And strange how I work to deny this and feel that most people do as well. We're alone, pretending not to be. But how much can you really connect with others. And how? The words don't really work. You can talk about something, but it is always that something.

The context gets in the way of the essence underneath. The raw humanity.

I love listening to Sarah Mclachlan. Wish she didn't have a name. Her voice is it, and combinations she picks with it. She is in touch with, feels, and empowers that essence. Is.

The raw power, beauty, love, sadness... so beautiful...

This power, connectedness, I so miss it sometimes things become so white and washed

From a conversation with Patri:

Patri sez that we have a difference in approach: he sees things that we both do and don't like, and says "how do we fix it," whereas I say "we have this in common, please accept it in me."

As I explained to him, I have two modes. Acceptance, or not understanding. In either case I am gentle. If I accept I am no longer fighting, I am embracing

And if I don't understand I am searching and therefore not invested in an emotion. As I explained, I also very much do want to fix things. But I find identifying and accepting what is to be a first step which I do not wish to skip.

For example, some things you cannot change. And if it is one of those things you're dealing with, then it is much better to accept it and learn ways you can change yourself to work with it. Its much better to realize that this is the case than to bash one's head against a brick wall unneccessarily.

And for cases where one can change the problem, there are many different ways to approach. Really understanding and accepting what that problem is, is often very much worth that time, because different approaches have vastly different levels of effectiveness, and many that would work in one case may be harmful in another.

Of course, I am imperfect. But in regard to Patri I think I am very accepting and try hard to understand, and I very much appreciate and sometimes need the same in return. As stated in other contexts, I have a difficult time expressing myself, and often see things that are important but complicated and hard to explain, so its very important that Patri understands and accepts what we're dealing with before trying to fix it ;) (Especially if in not understanding and trying to fix he gets angry at me and won't listen!)

I want to share with people, but to actually be in it sharing, not just give it away

The essence, richness, raw life, brilliance